I felt the need to update what’s going on for me, I wish I had more positive news of my situation but wishing has never got me anywhere before!

28th October 2006, this date is burnt into my mind and no matter what I do, I cannot escape it, it consumes my entire being.

My mental health has taken a nose-dive since November last year, leaving my house is proving to be a real mission…when I try and go out by myself I am overwhelmed by a massive wave of fear…and even though the intelligent mature side of me knows that any danger can be limited as long as I’m careful…I still feel in danger.

My rational side knows this is due to the depression and PTSD but I can’t shake the feeling that I’ll never fully recover from this.

I’ve had to give up work as I can no longer function in my chosen career, my entire career was based on working with young people which required me to be able to empathise with others and help guide them down positive paths…

My Son used to tell me that I see life through rose coloured glasses, as I always saw the positive in others, but now I fail to see the good in anyone…how can I help others see the good in themselves when I can no longer see it?

I was referred for therapy in November 09, I had the assessment in January 10 but I’m still waiting for the first appointment!

Here’s hoping that appointment comes soon.

Hi,

I know exactly how you are feeling. It felt for me like the flood gates had opened and all I could see was the potential for bad in people. But believe me there are good people out there!! I am a social worker so I know what's its like to work with young people when your feeling so disillusioned!! Just remember that the rapist has still got a hold on you, and the control over you, every time you fear going outside. He does not deserve to have that amount of power over you!! I know its easier said than done but you really need to start to challenge your thinking. Start off with standing on your doorstep for a few minutes and keep challenging your thinking about how you feel. when you realise that you are safe and you have returned indoors it will help to encourage you to get to the end of the path or to go to the shop. If you are in a car lock the doors when you get in. If you go for a walk take a safety alarm. Think of a strategy such as what you would do if you were being followed, (scream, run up a path) Keep a mobile in your hand with 999 keyed in.. There are lots of things that can help a little with reassurance. I am not saying it is easy but its the only way I managed to start functioning again.I used to hit the deck everytime my door bell rang and was too afraid to look through the window or even through the spy hole. Victim support fitted an intercom and with time I felt better about answering the door. I was also convinced that he was following me when I was in my car. I really, really, had to challenge my thinking about this and now I can manage a whole journey without looking to see if he is in the car behind. So I guess, I just want to reassure you that you can make progress and the rapist does not deserve to own your life. There will always be danger and your right to be aware of this but you still need to be able to function. I loved my rose coloured glasses and the hardest thing has been letting go of them. I wish you all the best with you recovery, you are a very brave person and with little steps you WILL become strong again!! Wendy x