well as the title says, its coming up to 5 years since my drink was spiked, sitting her at 1am, with it going round and round in my head, why is it we go what if??? if only i listened to myself!

those of you dont know, i was spiked with GHB 5th feb 2005 in the early hours on 6th feb my life chnaged forever, i went into a 25 minute seizure, was taken to hospital where drs battled to save me for 6 hours, when i did wake up i was paraysed down my left side.

nearly 5 years in , transpired to a life in a wheelchair, brain damage, epilespy, learning & speech disabilitys,being in nappies 24/7, scoliosis - curve of the spine aswell as the mental tourture of depression, food phobia, PTSD, social phobia, sleep problems and anxiety & panic attacks

ive had to move out of home to a wheelchair accessable home,- private rental as the council would not help me at all- if i was a single mum no problem!!

my family have had to move jobs around to care for me, my dad & sister work days mum works nights so shes around in the day dad & sis at night, and are on 24 hour call.we get no help from social services

this is what was givcen to me..this life at 19!! my life thrown away, my college studies over career over. even holidays i really want to travel abroad, but i cant, medical equipment, insureance and medication, and havent even left yet lol
i alwys have to go away with someone becuase of the care i need, bathing dressing etc

last year i finally found respite care that would accept me for a week, with full nursing care so we could all have a break from each other, at the price of £2,000, im booked to go again in july...if the money can be found

i was given this disability yet no one can help, no one understands no on GETS IT!

i have recently spent time in hospital following near fatal seizures, also was in a car crash feb 2009 to add the mess,
when i think of it, that night there was so many signs i just couldnt see them, btw this turned out to be a friend of a friend - a girl, i just cant proove it, hense no police intervention. many drs put this together including the national hospital for neurology in london.

i feel like im just another person with damaged goods, i found out my ex thinks im a "headcase" becuase of all this, im now 24 and havent a clue here my lifes going.

i went under private mental health cae last year after the NHS failed me for the 4th year in trying to get me CBT. £5,000 later ive gone through CBT, im on medication and doing ok, im just sitting at a crossroad now.

for the last 3 years ive ran away from my area to escape "the date" but as my psychiarist said ive got to face my fear, which is the date in hand, easy said than blooming done
i really need to face this, i need to let my bodys emotions let go and realise the lock thats been inside of me
i should let myself cry, laugh shake, whatever my body does no matter how odd, it may not react at all but i have to go through it.
but got to do it with someone i love & trust so my best friend, rock and total soul mate is going to be with me, dont know what it is thats kept him with me but hes been there through everything.

im just scared, a journey ive put off for so long its harder to take.

becuase im still not able to come to terms with whats happened im having a specialised treatment called EMDR- Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_Movement_Desen...ion_and_Reprocessing

waiting to see the therapist at the moment, but anyone else had any experince of it?

just hating this horrible build up, its in my head, in my sleep, just cant break it, its taken so much of my life, i want it back...major part is greiving, as i was told that due to the drug regieme for my epilespy and the damage done by GHB i wont be able to have children naturally, which was dream as a teenager, so its ripped another life thats never been created and never will.
all becuase of one sick joke

cat

I am so sorry that you have been through all of this it is absolutely horrific!!! I don’t think I could find a word to ease the pain. You are so amazing for getting up and breathing everyday. You must be an absolute fighter to have survived this, plus a car crash & fatal seizures. It is that fighting strength that will keep you going!! You are so brave to be facing all of this with your best friend and I hope you can find some comfort in their support. My heart feels heavy after reading what you have been through but in some ways your story is helping soooo many others because I have often felt suicidal following what I have been through and yet it is nothing compared to what you have been through. Just as I was about to log off I thought let me read one more post and it was yours. Everything happens for a reason and its working out the reasons which is one of the hardest lessons in life but I was meant to read your post as you have given me a little more strength!! You are amazing, you are strong and even though I don’t know you I feel proud of you for 'surviving'. You will get through facing your fears but just remember to do it at your own pace, not the pace of your therapist! I wish you all the best. Sending you lots of hugs & positive vibes. Wendy

Well here I am, 5 years on, wanting to talk this out for a very long time. I want to talk about something extremely personal to share with you, my closest friends.
After many years being locked in a deep emotional battle with myself its time to share the meaning of what my life is now, my psychiarist has really pushed for me to let my true emotions come out, this week is feeing like a rollercoaster but here we go...

I know for a long time I have felt I am this miserable excuse for a life, of merely semi-existing for the last 5 years. For a long time I had enough and I wanted to die, this was no wim and certainly not just because I had depression at 14. I really really wanted to die. I had enough of being so sick and in so much pain every second of every day and, basically, one serious health crisis after another.

I knew I had to find some help. Living the nightmare of 1 night every day and night was taking its toll, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, just living on less than 4 hours a night. I was having nightmares, and panic attacks. The worst came when I was scared my eating disorder was coming back, because I couldn’t face food when I felt down, stressed or panicked

After being backed into a corner with NHS mental health care who was offered no help, despite social services and my medical teams fighting I was left alone, isolated and torn apart.

Being faced with a broken life and extremely suicidal I made a desperate phone call to the priory hospital, Brighton & hove who booked me in for a psychiatric assessment
This was a serious cry for help, I couldn’t carry on living like this
He diagnosed me with PTSD- post traumatic stress disorder, social phobia, depression and the food was a bit of a shock, I was food phobic. Basically I can’t handle the “happy” factor food gives so when feeling low I avoid food as a coping mechanism. I find it so hard because of eating because I have to not because I want to and I can’t even control it

So I was put onto a long course of CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Was put onto anti-depressants and had sleeping medication with an appetite inducer and was given high protein energy milkshake drinks for crisis days.
Drugs stopped me from crying all the time, but it hadn’t stopped me from feeling angry, and sick of fighting, sick of living sick of the world treating me like I didn’t exist.

Since day 1 I have become a regular patient of Worthing hospital’s A&E, EAU and Erringham Ward following seizures, injuries following seizures, asthma attacks, painful back and spinal spasms
along with my neurological hospital – the national hospital for neurology & neurosurgery, queen square, London who keep an eye on my epilepsy, medication, inpatient care.

I am already 24 years old; by the time I have found a man, who wants to take me as I am? Who wants to end up as a carer for his girlfriend? I can’t have children, my dream wish since a teenager, what have I got to offer?

I can’t see myself ever being well enough to do any of this. Also my bones have had enough, I have scoliosis, arthritis of my spine and regular spasms in spine neck and arm. I am sick of having ambulances out week after week, I refuse to be admitted at times now because I know there’s a slim chance that I could recover and live a relatively normal life, but even if I wake up tomorrow I still won’t be able to live the life I dreamt of living.

How can I live the life I have dreamed of: dancing, cycling, having a family, a career. The kind of life I had before it was taken away from me at the age of 19

Just going shopping became a stressful experience with me becoming invisible to the public despite being in a wheelchair the “oh I didn’t see you there” became a stuck record
Shopping against those who think its ok to park in disabled parking bay when they are not disabled when we have wheelchair ramps and a wheelchair to get out. If you want to take my space, you take my disability aswell.

My body is tired and my spirit is broken. I have had enough can you understand that? I hope you can I really do.

If I am ever presented with an opportunity to leave this world I have to admit I will grab it with both hands.
I understand people think I am just depressed or thinking there is still a chance I could recover.
Try and put yourself in my situation.



Every second of life in intense pain, permanently and extremely ill not just lying in a bed resting but 100% reliance on others to care for my basic needs.

I have survived because of countless medications, nebulisers, paramedics having to stop my seizures with emergency drugs, my mum dad & sister being on 24 hour call to pick me up off the floor
Without all this modern technology I wouldn’t have even made it through the night I was spiked let alone the 5 years.

Imagine having the painful bones of an old person unable to move because everything is stuck in spasm.
Imagine being unable to get the painful memories and thoughts out of your head other than slowly typing emails
Imagine not being able to turn yourself in bed or move your legs, having to have a hospital bed with bed rails and bumpers not even having a “normal” bed.
Imagine having to wear nappies every hour of every day and night because you can’t control when you need the toilet, not being able to make it in time when you even want to try.
Imagine at 24 still having your mum wash and bath you because you have no movement to do so and be watched in case of a seizure whilst in the water.
Imagine not being able to wear those party shoes that go with that lovely dress you’ve always wanted because having badly disfigured feet meaning having to wear splints on both feet
Imagine never having been able to fulfil above all else- that one thing that should be a right for all young women, the right to have a child.

I know some women are unable to, but it doesn’t stop my heart from aching and the need to hold my own baby.

Imagine being imprisoned inside the miserable existence that is your life. I don’t have to imagine that
My body and mind are broken. I love my family and friends but I am spent, how is one supposed to move on from this nightmare. How are my mum, dad and sister coping? They are utterly utterly heartbroken, naturally.

How do you cope with suddenly overnight having a disabled daughter & sister? No one gives you a guidebook, no one gives you support, you are expected to cope and deal with it.

Even though I can’t imagine how hard this must be for them, obviously they wont want to lose me but they hate seeing me suffer.
The countless hospital stays, the “status” seizures, the car crash, the constant pain day in day out, they cant bear for me to suffer anymore, which is why we all fight on as a family. We do what we can while we can, and never give up.

I start new treatment in the next few months and my aim is finally put this behind me. It’s going to continue to test me physically but I do what I do for reason, to not let this person whom did this to me take another 5 years away.
I may or may not walk properly walk again, wear shoes or dance, but I will NOT be a victim.

i am shocked and moved to tears, as wendy says your strength is admirable, my ordeal was a nightmare for me that has made me question the world we live in, but when i read your story i realise i how it could have gone, i am helpless all i can say is how much i admire you and send you the strength to deal with it, my prayers are with you

Well, im back with even further heartbreak, seems 5 years on, the damage done by this drug has hit further.

on valentines day i collapsed while transfering from the toilet to my wheelchair and my legs wouldnt follow me, it was like someone had cut me in half. i didnt have leggs attached to me, my whole body went into spasm. we had 2 lots of ambulance crews and the out of hours doctor out who examined by back who felt something wrong in my spine and i got taken to hosoital and was admitted straight away.

both inside and out was in spasm my bladder was in spasm so it wasnt let me wee which was geting horribly painful they had to cathatrerise me
saw the drs who wanted to do an MRI scan as i had lost the feeling and use of my right leg

weve got the results back the MRI is clear but the neurologist has confirmed i have a fast degenerative spine, basically the base of my spine has crumbled away causeing the spasms and this is as a result of being immobile - caused by the spiking and at the moment im likey to to stay paralysed in the right leg -combined with the left one.i have no use of my legs.

long term wise its physio and pain control, had physios round today and theres no movement or tone in either of them. im also constantly cold as my body wont hold heat.

im on 12 different painkillers and have had them moved to liquid form as they seem to work faster, but its going to be a long road once again

have had to have my flat changed around by my family so everythings been rocked..weve had no emotinal support just feel very backwards and sick of this drug ruining my life..

I am so sorry to hear that your health has gone from bad to worse. It is so unfair what this scumbag has done. It should be him suffering not you!! But, that is not gonna help you to get through this. It sounds as though you have a lot on inner strength and a very supportive family. It must be really scary to be left with the prospect of no movement and multiple hospital visits. Hopefully the doctors can work miracles to enable you to start rebuilding your life!! You are giving so many people strength through your posts, because I was full of despair after what happened to me but hearing what you have been through it gave me the strength to go on. I wish I could meet you and give you a hug and let you know how proud I am of you!! I am here anytime you want to talk. I wish you all the strength in the world. Stay strong!! Wendy x